Health club humiliation knows absolutely no bounds

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It's not enough that guys like me are carrying 30 or 40 more pounds to go workout.

It's not enough that, really, my aching joints and muscles move me to want to punch the next jackass who says, "50's the new 30, you know?"

It's not even enough to have had a woman in her early 70s watch me lift weights and then remark, "Ohhhh! That machine isn't really big enough for a man ... like you!" (What? I'm fat? No? The 70-year-old woman in the teal sweatpants and "AARP" tee shirt was flirting with me?)

No. There's never an end to the embarrassment that comes with my having let myself get out of shape to the point that my primary goal upon visting the health club is to avoid making a fool of myself.

Don't you love how you can load your tiny, little iPod with all your favorite music? Isn't it so much easier to work up a sweat, feel the burn in your muscles and power on when Rick Astley's "Shout!" comes on. (Hey! Who put a Rick Astley song on my iPod?)

It's enough for me to pay to go to the gym after spending a lifetime staying fit running hills and trails by myself or doing sit-ups and push-ups on the living room floor. I refuse to pay for the little arm band to carry my iPod in while I exercise.

I think that thing that holds the iPod is right behind a white headband for making someone like me look utterly ridiculous. "It's not enough that his blood pressure's through the roof? He won't get on the treadmill without his music ... and something to hold his iPod for him? Loser!"



So, I typically set the iPod gently on the control panel of whatever exercise machine I'm using. If I'm upstairs lifting weights (relax ... that rarely happens), I'll clip the iPod on the waistband of my gym trunks. (Yes! I'm so old I call them gym trunks!)

I won't spend the $15 to buy the band that holds the iPod in place because it makes me feel like a workout clown. I did buy the plastic iPod protective cover. It has the clip on the back so I can connect it to my shorts. (And, yeah, so what if my love handles have knocked the iPod loose when I've been sitting on a weight machine?)

And, no, it's not enough that my love handles are sufficiently out of control so that if I bend just so that they fly uncontrollably over the waistband of my shorts.

Whether I put the iPod on the console of the exercise machine or whether I clip it to my waistband, I'm constantly sending the damned thing flying right in the middle of a cardio workout.

If it's on the console in front of me, I'll be 20 minutes into a workout at 24-Hour Fitness. It'll be crowded, of course. I'll absent-mindedly reach up to wipe sweat from my brow ... forget about the ear buds and get the wire caught on my hand and send that iPod flying.

Yes, in fact, yes an iPod with a hard plastic cover does make a great deal of noise when it hits the ground. And, in you're wondering, at least one of the ear buds stays in my ear but the other other one is always left hanging.

There's nothing worse than digging around a Stairclimber looking for the plastic cover or the iPod itself. I once had to ask a neighbor to stop her workout so that I could grab my iPod out from under her. There was a time when I could get a woman to stop working out so that I could get her phone number.

If the iPod is clipped to my waistband, there's still an excess of ... um ... ear bud wire hanging in front of me. I tried running the wire under my shirt, but felt like I was working undercover for the FBI. It didn't feel right. So, I leave the chord hanging.

And, two or three times a month, I'll be on the ski-glider contraption and somehow get the wire caught on the handles and ... it goes flying!

There's no cool way to respond to something so inordinantly stupid.

I have to draw the line on how much money I'll spend to try to get in shape.

I also have to draw the line where I refuse to admit that I'm such a damned dummy that I can't keep from sending my iPod flying across the health club. I might put somebody's eye out, but I'm determined to regain some measure of coordination to avoid the accident.

What could be worse?